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Thread 4900

Thread ID: 4900 | Posts: 11 | Started: 2003-02-10

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darkeddy [OP]

2003-02-10 02:44 | User Profile

This is for my scrap book. I will call for Palestinian jokes next week (that's just for the ADL lurkers, guys).

w.bales

2003-02-10 14:14 | User Profile

Why are you seeking out Jew jokes on this website? :rolleyes:

Sorry, I don't have any jokes for you but how about addressing some concerns I have over the American-Israeli relationship and the role of Zionists both state-side and world-wide:

1)Israel disproportionately receives more U.S. aid than any other nation or amount of people on earth; 2) Zionists and Liberal Jews have (from MY point of view) a detrimental effect on the MY conservative, Christian view of American society (ADL; NAACP; ACLU; SPLC); 3) have too much influence and power over and in Washington, DC (AIPAC) and the American news and entertainment industries as well; 4) the American-Israeli relationship is costing the U.S. too much in terms of money and international relations (when Muslim fanatics see the U.S. flag they think Israel and, really, they are not wrong); 5) they contributed more than is generally known towards world tragedies which also hurt their own: the Russian Revolution, WWI, and WWII; 6) the idea of the U.N. creating a country for the specific benefit of a particular group of people on land primarily inhabited by other people does not sit well with me; 7) Israel killed 34 American sailors and claimed they thought for three hours it was an Egyptian tugboat or something -- our government went along with this; 8) the Israelis HAVE been and are now treating the Palestinians like dog crap; 9) have marketed and pounded the American public with monuments, memorials, and unprecedented publicity concerning a holocaust which Americans neither started, were involved in and did not occur in America anyway; 10) Israelis have been selling top American military technology to China; 11) Israelis, liberal Jews and Zionists are arrogant, self serving bast**ds as are supporters thereof.

darkeddy

2003-02-10 16:03 | User Profile

Oh, don't be so boring. I am seeking Jewish jokes here because I figure people here actually know some.

texoma

2003-02-10 16:52 | User Profile

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Wonton spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says,"Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: "(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

Q. What do you call going down the hill in neutral? A. Jewish Overdrive

I walked in on my best friend and my wife in bed together. I said, "Lenny, I have to. But you?"

Happy Hacker

2003-02-10 19:18 | User Profile

Where are the money jokes?

How was copper wire invented? Two jews, at the same time, saw a penny on the ground.

How was the Grand Canyon formed? A jew saw a penny fall into a gopher hole.

Drakmal

2003-02-10 20:54 | User Profile

From the last thread we had on jewish jokes:

A priest and a rabbi are walking through the park. The priest says, "look at that ten-year old boy over there; I'd sure like to screw him". The rabbi replies, "out of what?"

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

"Well???" asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people ever think about?"

Dan Dare

2003-02-14 02:50 | User Profile

And another old chestnut:

A Jewish father, Moishe, is speaking with his eldest son, Yitzak. ... “Father, I am going to marry!” Moishe begins to dance with joy and sing “Hava Nagila.” Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? What is her name?” “O'Brien,” replies the son. ... “She's Catholic” “Oy!” says the father. “But are you happy?” ... “I'm happy,” says the son. “OK, as long as you're happy. ... My blessings to you both,” replies Moishe.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah. Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, “Father, I too will marry soon!” Again Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises. “What is her name?” he asks. “Kazalopopodopolous,” says the son. “She's Greek Orthodox.” “Oy,” says Moishe. “But are you happy?” ... “I'm happy, father.” “OK. Then you, too, have my blessing,” Moishe says.

Dejected, Moishe goes to the temple to pray. “Please, God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed.” “Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?” his father immediately demands. ... “Goldberg!” says Chutzpah.

Moishe is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the Prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley?” “No...” says Chutzpah. ... “Hmmm,” says Moishe. ... “Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel?”

“Ah...no, father” says Chutzpah. ... “Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, most beautiful son?” The son replies “Whoopi!”

Robbie

2003-02-14 04:34 | User Profile

Why do Jews have big noses??

Because the air is free.

What's a Jewish Princess' dream house??

Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale; no kitchen, no bedroom.

A Jewish boy told his father, "Dad, can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig??" The father replied, "Here's ten dollars. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl."

Did you hear about the new movie about loan sharks??

It's called "Jews".

Sammy Davis Jr. went onto a bus in the back in the day. "N----r, get to the back of the bus," said the bus driver. "But I'm Jewish!!" Sammy said. The bus driver replied, "Get off!!"

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be??

A fur coat.

How does a Jewish Princess spell relief??

R-O-L-E-X

What's a Jewish dilemma??

Free ham.

seq

2003-02-14 04:34 | User Profile

Question: Why is the Champs Elysee lined with so many leafy chestnut trees?

Answer: So that the Wehrmacht can march in the shade.

Roy Batty

2003-02-14 07:52 | User Profile

What is the jew's favorite wine?

"I wanna go to Miami!"

il ragno

2003-02-14 07:57 | User Profile

What's the best thing to ever come out of Poland? An empty train.

Well, so much for my B'nai Brith Award.