← Autodidact Archive · Original Dissent · Ed Toner
Thread ID: 14473 | Posts: 1 | Started: 2004-07-07
2004-07-07 19:09 | User Profile
John Kerry names nominees for Cabinet positions
In a surprising move this morning, Democratic Candidate John Kerry has named his nominees for Cabinet positions. "This is a dynamic and fascinating team," said Kerry, still grimacing from the daily Botox injections administered by his wife, "I know they will make a big difference."
Sec of Agriculture . . . liberal actor Harrison Ford (because he did that "Witness" movie in Amish Country where Kelly McGillis showed her boobies . . . woo-hoo)
Sec of Commerce . . . financial wizard and corporate extortionist Jesse Jackson
Sec of Defense . . . Vietnam War and military-industrial complex expert Oliver Stone
Sec of Education . . . child expert Michael Jackson
Sec of Energy . . . ex-California Governor Gray Davis
Sec of Health and Human Services . . . medical reform expert Hillary Clinton
Sec Homeland Security . . . Jimmy Carter (but only after the succesful transplant of larger testicles) alternate: terrorist attack expert O.J. Simpson . . . also a possibility is American security expert, the current French President, Jacques Chirac
Sec of Housing and Urban Development . . . fantasy expert Steven Spielberg
Sec of the Interior . . . "President" Martin Sheen or if unavailable, any one of the boys from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy
Sec of Labor . . . socialist, inventor of the Internet and friend of the working man, Al Gore
Sec of State . . . comedian and Minister Al Sharpton
Sec of Transportation . . . airport expert Tom Hanks (alternate . . . highway expert Rodney King)
Sec of the Treasury . . . fiancial expert George Sorros (alternate: Bill Gates)
Sec of Veteran's Affairs . . . military affairs expert Jane Fonda
The Attorney General . . . Michael Moore . . . because only he understands America
Administrator, Environmental Protection Agency . . . tree hugging, anti-war activist Janeane Garofolo
Director, Office of Management and Budget . . . funny girl Barbara Streissand
Director, National Drug Control Policy . . . alcohol and carbohydrate-abuse expert Ted Kennedy (also available for Dept of Transportation based on driving experience)
U.S. Trade Representative . . . Sean Penn