I cannot understand your position. Personally, I see the possibility of receiving confession and taking up a life in tune with catholic values and worldview perfectly open before me. I am a conservative man and I'm sometimes tempted to return to the Church. But in the end I don't believe in the personal God christianity offers; also I consider the Church, in its current corrupt and effeminate manifestation, an anti-traditional force. Therefore I do not join the Church. But believing and trusting the Church and not following its commandments... sorry, it makes no sense to me.
Most famous Catholics lived lives which certainly didn't "follow (the Church's) commandments." Michelangelo and Leonardo were flamboyant cornholing gayboys, as was Evelyn Waugh, yet they managed to create great Catholic art. Do you think Mel Gibson is a good Catholic? He abandoned his wife and family for a Russian slut. Yet, he remains a noteable Catholic. Franco, was he a Catholic? Was Dante a Catholic? He lampooned the pope and obviously led a very worldly life. What about Benedict IX,
Urban VI
or
Sergius III
? Are they better or worse than the present corrupt and effeminate Church?
As for being Catholic while remaining more or less agnostic, or even atheistic: plenty of Jews manage this, and nobody questions it. People like Kipling have said as much: "All sensible men are of the same religion, but no sensible man ever tells."